What to say when they say “You’re too intense”

When someone tells you that you’re too intense, it can be a frustrating and confusing comment. What exactly does that mean? Are you being too passionate, too emotional, or too invested in the relationship? The phrase you’re too intense can be a vague and unhelpful criticism, leaving you wondering what you’ve done wrong and how to fix it.

The first step in responding to this comment is to try to understand what the other person means. Ask for clarification:

What do you mean by ‘too intense’? Is there something specific that’s making you feel overwhelmed?

This open-ended question encourages the other person to explain their feelings and helps you understand their perspective.

Here are some example responses you could use to navigate this conversation:

I understand that I can get really passionate about the things that matter to me. Can you help me understand what specifically is making you feel uncomfortable?

I want to make sure I’m respecting your boundaries. Can you tell me more about what you’re looking for in this relationship?

I value honesty and openness in our communication. Can you help me understand what’s making you feel like I’m coming on too strong?

I’m invested in this relationship because I care about you and our connection. Can we talk about what’s making you feel like I’m being too intense?

Instead of getting defensive or dismissive, try to approach the conversation with empathy and a willingness to listen. Ask follow-up questions to delve deeper into the other person’s feelings and concerns.

For example, if they say they feel overwhelmed by your texts or calls, you could respond with:

I apologize if I’ve been bombarding you with messages. I get excited to talk to you and share my thoughts. How about we find a better rhythm that works for both of us?

I want to make sure I’m respecting your time and space. What’s a good way for us to communicate that works for you?

In some cases, the comment you’re too intense might be a way of avoiding a deeper conversation or indicating that the other person is not as invested in the relationship as you are. If you sense that might be the case, it’s okay to gently probe for more information:

I’ve noticed you’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Is everything okay? Is there something on your mind that you want to talk about?

I feel like we’ve been growing closer, but I sense a hesitation from you. Is there something that’s making you unsure about our relationship?

Remember, effective communication is key in any relationship. By listening actively, asking clarifying questions, and responding thoughtfully, you can turn a potentially negative comment into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.

In conclusion, when someone tells you that you’re too intense, don’t take it as a personal criticism. Instead, use it as a chance to explore the other person’s feelings, communicate your own needs and desires, and work together to find a balance that works for both of you. By doing so, you’ll not only build a stronger connection but also gain a deeper understanding of yourself and what you bring to the table.

Be kind ❤

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